The Heart of the Matter
by TesubCalle
Summary: SEASON FIVE EPISODE SPOILERS! Post 'Bury Your Dead'. Tony muses his lost relationship with Jeanne. Can it ever be salvaged?


_**A/N:**_** Spoilers for Season 4 'Grace Period' and Season 5 'Bury Your Dead'. You've been warned. Standard disclaimer. I didn't create nor do I own any of these NCIS characters. I'm just borrowing them to make them say a few things to each other I think they need to say.**

**The Heart of the Matter**

_'Been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter, __But my will gets weak, __and my thoughts seem to scatter, __But I think it's about forgiveness, __Even if you don't love me anymore'_

_- Don Henley 'The Heart of the Matter'_

* * *

Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo sat quietly in a cramped rental car outside a familiar hospital building. His former set of wheels had been unceremoniously blown to bits just weeks earlier, right before his eyes. 

He was still trying to wrap his mind around that one. Time had not dulled the shock, nor eased the emotional pain he experienced in the aftermath. The explosion had started a chain-reaction of events he could not have foreseen ...or could he?

_Jeanne._

How many months had he spent in her company? Earning her trust, eventually winning her heart...all for the sake of a blasted covert assignment. He had willingly (sometimes unwillingly?) lied to her about many things, and when the truth came out, she had been devastated; had wanted nothing to do with him.

Tony chastised himself for the thousandth time. Didn't he know it would have to end like that? Had he been deluding himself all along, imagining that she'd understand; that she'd forgive him every untruth, every deception? Had he expected to fall in love so deeply and completely? _That_ hadn't been part of the assignment, had it?

Not that it mattered anyway, she was gone from his life now; probably for good. Why was he even wasting his time sitting here this evening?

His musings were interrupted by the frantic blaring of an ambulance siren. He turned in his seat and watched it whiz past in a blur of red flashing lights, and then it was gone, speeding towards the Emergency entrance.

Tony turned back and stared out through the windshield into the darkening skies. His thoughts returned to the last time he was at this location. It was the final day he'd spent with Jeanne. He'd finally been introduced to her _p__è__re, _René Benoit. All those months spent with Jeanne, just to get close to this arms dealer, also known as _La Grenouille._ Tony played it cool, playing the part of the doting and devoted boyfriend, professor of some distance-learning film studies course.

But _La Grenouille_ had known all about 'Tony DiNardo', Tony's now absurd-sounding alias. René had even pointedly asked if Tony was going to break Jeanne's heart. It was almost as if he had known disaster was looming on the horizon.

What came to pass during the next few hours would continue to haunt Tony. He would be forced to admit to Jeanne that he was a federal agent, not a professor.

His admission had crushed her. He couldn't blame her, really. In her eyes, he had become a total stranger to her in a matter of seconds. When he'd gently tried to explain that there were things she ought to ask her father to untangle the web of lies they'd been living, she'd left him. He was smart enough to know not to follow.

Tony leaned forward and purposely smacked his head against the steering wheel three times in succession. Maybe the physical pain would momentarily dull the unrelenting emotional torment.

He left his forehead right there on the wheel in submission.

_Oh, Jeanne...what was I supposed to do differently? _

A sharp rap against his window caused him to snap to attention. He sat up quickly and saw a petite figure standing next to his car.

"Jeanne?" Tony said. He rolled down the window. "Jeanne, is that you?"

"Yes." The answer was spoken coldly.

Tony opened his door and leapt out of the car. He stared at her wonderingly, her face gently lit from a light at the corner of the street. She looked so lovely, even if there was none of the warmth and sweetness and joy he was so accustomed to whenever he looked at her.

"What are you doing here?" Tony asked, self-consciously.

"I _work_ here," she replied flatly. "I noticed you sitting here. I came over here to tell you it's _over_, Tony, if Tony really is your name."

He felt stung. It wasn't a new feeling, of course. In the past, he would have had a witty come-back, and laughed and joked his way out of it. This time, he had no such parrying remark.

"I told you before: I'm Tony DiNozzo."

"Right. And you're also a federal agent who knows how to shoot a gun, and how to lie to women. My God! All that time, to think I actually believed you were _in love_ with me."

"Jeanne, _please -_" Tony said, reaching out for her shoulders.

"Don't!" Jeanne cried, shrugging off his hands. "Don't touch me. You _ruined_ me, Tony. I don't ever want to see your face again. Don't call, don't write, don't follow me, don't sit on dark streets outside the hospital..."

"I never wanted to hurt you," Tony said. "It...Look, you may have _started_ as an assignment, but my feelings for you genuinely started to grow. I really fell for you, Jeanne."

"Right. Sure. I'm sure that's what you say to all your little 'assignments', isn't it?" Jeanne spat back.

Tony hung his head and made no reply.

"Everything I thought I knew about you has been one big lie, Tony. You can't build a relationship on lies and deceit. Don't think you can say soothing words of regret and then move on to your next job with your conscience intact. You never _really_ loved me. I know that now."

"But I _did!_ And I still do," Tony said desperately, his eyes glistening. "Jeanne, listen to me, please!"

"Stop it!" Jeanne cried. "Just stop it!"

"Look, do you remember that night I came to you...when I finally _told_ you that...that I love you..."

Jeanne swiped at an angry tear that was sliding down her cheek.

"Do you remember?" Tony pressed her for an answer.

"Yes," she finally responded. She glared at him and crossed her arms.

"I - I _lost_ someone that day. She was someone who could have been – someone who _was_ – special to me. She made me realize how important it is to tell someone you love them, because life is too short _not_ to tell them."

"Is there a punchline to this little anecdote?" Jeanne asked, unimpressed.

Tony ignored her snide attitude and continued: "Her name was Paula. She was another NCIS Special Agent. When I said she could have been someone special to me, it's because I dropped the ball when it came to how I felt about her. You see, I was a different person back when I first met her. I was a game-player. I was a flirt. We could have been serious about each other if I'd known how to...grow up."

"So, what happened?" Jeanne asked, in spite of herself.

"The only reason I'm standing here, Jeanne..." Tony paused to collect his thoughts, "...the only reason I was able to _tell _you that night was because of Paula. She sacrificed herself. Tackled a suicide bomber. She died, feet away from me, this stupid brick wall a few inches thick separating us. I could have been blown to bits that day. And my only regret would have been never telling you the truth about how I felt about you."

Jeanne remained silent as the impact of Tony's words sank into her consciousness.

"When I knew that I could have died without ever telling you...Even if you never want to see me again after tonight...Jeanne, please believe me: my name...my job...yes, that was all fabrication. But don't you ever doubt for a second that my love for you is real. Think about it: if you were just an assignment, why would I be here, begging; trying to convince you? If you were just an assignment, I would have been long gone."

"Things won't be able to go back to the way they were," Jeanne said shakily, after several moments of silence.

"I know they won't. But I _know_ you loved me as Tony DiNardo, professor of Film Studies. And I know you didn't just fall in love with a name and a profession. Do you think you could fall in love again? This time with Tony DiNozzo, NCIS Agent? And do you think you could forgive me for putting you through this?"

"I'll need time," Jeanne replied. "Everything I knew has been blown out of the water. What I thought I knew about you...my father..."

"I'll give you all the time you need," Tony said. "It took me so long to say it to you...from that climbing wall to when Paula died...and now it's all I think, and it's all I want to say to you, for the rest of my life. _I love you, Jeanne Benoit._"


End file.
